June 9, 2026 - 19:54
I saw a couple pictures earlier today. They were posted by a girl I went to high school with. This girl was in grade nine when I graduated, so she's still there. These pictures were of my high school.
I didn't exactly have the greatest relationship with my high school, or the school system as a whole, while I was there. So much so that at one point I did begin to consider rather horrible things as viable options. This lasted from about eighth grade to tenth, maybe early eleventh. After that I got better. I met a guy who I really would call my soulmate, I made friends, I found real happiness once I realized the world expands so far beyond the small pond I was shown in school.
I am by no means saying I am 100% "cured" of deperssion, or whatever my problem was, but I feel more emotions now. I can feel positive things again. With that, I also regained proper empathy. To an extent. As a child I had empathy as everyone does. Then I was taught not to, leading to none for a couple years. For a long time it was so selective that I could only truly feel empathy for one person in the beginning.
Then I met somebody else who I could feel it for, and then somebody else, and then a boy at my school commit suicide and it was my first time experiencing empathy for a stranger. I think a lot of it was because I had so heavily considered suicide. Seeing somebody so close truly do it felt unreal, in a way.
Anyway, all of this to say I realized today that since regaining empathy, I cannot look at photos of my high school and the people there now without feeling deeply sick. I can't even comprehend the thought process I had in high school anymore. Which is a good thing, yes. But it also leaves me feeling almost disgusted with myself, if that's the right word. I'm not sure it is.
I look at my high school, I see these random kids who have never wronged me in any way shape or form, and it occurs to me now that 99.9% of the students when I attended were exactly as innocent. Yes, one girl threatened to rape and murder me. Yes, the school failed me by allowing us to be put in the same class once again even though they knew what happened..
But in the end that was never the fault of the majority. It was the fault of maybe about five people total, and it really does make me feel sick to know I ever thought otherwise.
June 8, 2026 - 15:59
Alright, I suppose we should start this site with some context. I had another Neocities website in high school, and since I graduated I haven't truly used this site much. When I graduated high school I had hope for a brighter future for the first time since I was twelve. After some time, however, my hope has dwindled quite a bit, and I am beginning to find myself feeling quite similarly to how I did between twelve and eighteen.
You see, I can't go to university. I can't achieve any of my true dreams. My only remaining dream which I stand even the most remote of chances at achieving is wanting to move to Germany. The trouble there is I have so little motivation left in life that I cannot give learning the language as much time as necessary. Not to mention this lack of motivation, combined with a doomed job market, has made it impossible for me to get a job in order to afford that regardless.
I am trapped in an endless cycle of thinking things will get better only to immediately have all my hopes torn down again the second I make any attempt at improvement.
Still, what options do I have? Suicide? Perhaps. It's not like I haven't considered it. Of course I have. I've also tried it, and quite obviously failed as I am still here to write this. Unfortunately for me, this is no longer a viable option. I am home 24/7 with at least one other person here at all times. Besides this, I do not desire to die in this house, nor anywhere near it.
In fact I have an idea of where and it is also impossible to achieve without getting a job first. Not even for lack of money, ironically, but for lack of explanation to my family. I need an excuse to get out of the house. Sure, I'm an adult, but that's not good enough for them. They'd ask follow up questions.
With this lack of control over my own life or when it ends I have decided I will give life one more chance to prove itself to me. I will try to get a job, I will try to learn German, I will do all the things I'm supposed to be doing. If things don't get better, if I still feel the same in the end.. Well, that's it. That will be my decision made for me.